So You See

You see, there are these things, these thoughts eating away at me, these longings, these desires, these dreams to set free. There is endless potential, opportunities awaiting me, it’s all in my grasp, but there’s something in the way… it’s me.

You see I have these thoughts eating away at me, these reasons and excuses why I shouldn’t believe. Endless distractions from the truth I’ve seen, smoke and mirrors, illusions, a trick of the eyes, I can be mean. I know the buttons to push to insure self destruction and I know just how likely my will is to be corrupted. I’ve painted this portrait of weakness and despair, I’ve covered it up with bright colored hair, I’ve hid behind tantrums and tears for years and I’ve silently been eaten away by my fears.

You see there’s this voice in my head eating away at me, it tells me I’m nothing and will never be. It tells me to believe everyone is hating me and there’s no use to fight it, what will be, simply will be. It tells so many lies and one terrifying truth, with a menacing grin it tells me, “I’m you”.

You see for so much of my life i’ve been trapped by this pain, my manifestation of the mundane, my lack of motivation, my whining, my complaining to get it my way, it’s exhausting me to the fullest, each and every day. I’ve been denying myself the freedom and peace that comes from contentment, that comes from release. I replay these patterns of false belief and I wonder why it doesn’t work out for me.

I teeter on the edge of embodied philosophy and spiraling downward to an overthinking cacophony and I truly don’t know which side it’ll be when I wake up in  the morning, will I be able to dream?

But you see there’s a choice that has to be made, I have to be the one to say enough and quit playing. I have to be the one to pull down my skirt, put my big girl pants on and get in the dirt. I have to be the one to want it so bad that no matter what this voice has to say, I say FucK That! And I have to be the one to understand that no matter how much I cry, I’ve gotta try harder and harder instead next time.

You see it scares the shit out of me to be wandering lost, not knowing where I’ll go, what I will be and at what cost. I want to be great, I want to inspire, I want to elevate my being higher and higher. And theres so many people out there I look up to, so many beautiful artists, dancers, and stars to live up to. And when I think about how badly it hurts, to want to be them, but have to do the work, I get scared and pretend, I pretend that they never were once in my shoes, looking up at the stars and thinking “what do I have to do?”, I pretend that they’ve always been just that good and if I’m not now then I never could. And it’s stupid when I say it aloud, it’s just as stupid as the voice in my head sounds, it’s just as unreasonably pitiful a sound, if I don’t stop these crocodile tears, I will drown.

You see these are the thoughts that I have deep inside, this detrimental self doubt that I struggle to hide. And I hope that it’s natural, I hope I’m not alone, I hope I’m not the only one scared to leave home. I hope I’m not the only one unsure of their placement, whether they will succeed or be stuck in their parents’ basement. I hope i’m not the only one feeling insane, feeling certain there are maggot’s inside of their brain, eating away at the tissue and blood that makes up the body thats meant to be loved. I hope I’m not the only one slamming on a keyboard, hoping one day that a kid just like me will pick up on these words, that my pain will ring true, that my message to you is that you are not alone in this life we all get through.

You see I wanna be a positive influence. I wanna be the one that knows exactly how to handle their shit. I wanna be the one that you can come to to talk to, to cry to, to yell at, to scream at if it helps you. I want to be the one that hasn’t a care in the world, that floats all around like the wings of a bird. I want to be the one to make you feel heard  and I’m always going to be working towards this vision of Earth, but if I told you that everything was easy and roses, you’d smell the bullshit as soon as I spoke it. And if I told you that it’s all Ok that life is 100% nothing to feign, I wouldn’t be sincere, I wouldn’t be truthful, because the scariest part is what we all have to go through. The hardest parts of our lives is what makes it all worth it, because who the fuck would I be and what would be my purpose if I couldn’t tell you all about my pain, if I couldn’t tell you that I too feel shame. If I couldn’t look you in the eyes and take blame, if I couldn’t be me then I wouldn’t have a name. I wouldn’t be alive, I wouldn’t take breath, if I didn’t understand the value of stress, if I couldn’t relay this message to you through teary eyes, after long nights of mental abuse, none of it would be worth it. None of my hopes and dreams or even my fears would have purpose.

So you see… there’s room in this life for people like you and me, there’s time for us to cry and there’s time for us to be set free and I’ll never stop crying and trying no matter how long it takes me, no matter how many times I get pushed down, no matter how many times I’m forced to kiss the ground, no matter how many times I’ve told myself I’ll never be enough, I’m telling myself now that I will get back up. I’m telling myself now and if you care to listen, I’m telling this to you and to me and to the heavens, I will never give up, I will never give in, because I want to know that light at the end, I want to taste the sweetness of victory when I win, and I want to hear the symphony of our sins, so I’m getting out of my way and lighting the path for anyone else who wants to take this chance, who wants to take my hand and never look back.

May 17th, 2019